Thursday, July 31, 2008

Spin Me Right Round, Baby

“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood”
-Henry Miller

My head is spinning. So many choices, some many decisions, so many plans to make. On Monday, I put one step forward and visited a career counselor at the Alumni Association. It was really nice to have someone who listens intently as you talk about your dreams, your complaints, and the obstacles in the way. I left with my spirits lifted a little, but it was short-lived. Now I have all of these options, and still can’t act on them yet.

I went into this meeting thinking that just having a plan would help, but now I want more than a plan. I want action, and I want it now. And yet, I’m scared to death of action. And, thus, I fear that I will just stay as I am now. Working the same job, complaining about the tasks I have to do, spending the weekend dreading the next week at work.

I did find a job opening that I’m qualified for, in the environment I want to work. I filled out the application, updated my resume, and even wrote a cover letter. Now I’m too scared to send it.

And, Rob had to throw something else into the mix. He talked with his boss this week, and they both seem to think that Rob’s not going to be transferred anywhere anytime soon. So he suggested that we could move out of the city and closer to his job, thus forcing me to find something new anyways. But, there wouldn’t be as many options for starting over as there are in the big city. However, there’s no timeline on that either, since he seems to think we should wait for the unscheduled building audit that will happen sometime before the end of the year.

I’m just not sure I can handle my job until then. I’m sketching this week, and thus it’s been a crappy week. However, as Rob has begun to notice, it doesn’t matter whether there’s a lot or not much at all going on at work, I still come home grumbling.

And worst of all, it’s hard to find someone to talk through all of this with. Everyone has their own agenda, and they hear my story through their own mind, instead of through mine.

Wish someone would wake up when I have a new job.


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